Moving on

Wow working for yourself is hard mainly cause you don't ride yourself hard like if you had a boss, in other words it always takes a lot more time to get things done than you think.....

Today I have also been very sleepy and grumpy. Even though the house does look better. I did get most of my work done other than failing to send out that end of year email. Like seriously you have to schedule for that shit permanently. Work work work. What's my message. Actually it's the end of the year. The work one, anyway. Other than the odd cheeky message response and back tagging all the blogs and wondering whether to maintain posting in this one every day.

Done, that's me over and out for Christmas. It's true I am. Merry Christmas.

The Importance Of Dharma

Now I'm a Life Coach well actually I am a Life Doula and at them moment my house is a mess. However I do have clarity of purpose. Which means everything else seems to have gone out of the window. My partner is at home sick and I literally found him yesterday lying long ways using another chair as a back rest. Yes that is as confusing and image as it sounds. What has this got to do with boundaries? I feel like the house has turned into an open school for the expressive arts? Which I don't have much judgement of, other then that I have to get back to the dharma of housework. 

This is not why I came on here to write today. When you are a Life Doula or specifically on an upward spiral journey you really are meant to honour your agreements. It's all part of the process. Then sometimes you feel resistance and well there is no way through it. You just don't want to do something even though it may be it may be in your best interests. Like washing the porridge pot. Getting down to the unglamorous business of dharma is as much a part of spiritual growth as anything else. Doing the things that you really don't want to do. Like untangle the hellish mess that has taken residence in our living room, on the desk the kitchen, oh and the bedroom too. Sometimes I live far to much in my head for my own good, where I feel that writing my story, figuring out the next step is far more important than keeping up with my day to day dharma. Keeping in line with the daily maintenance as much a part of your spiritual journey as meditating for 12 hours daily I promise.

In the meantime though. I'm going to continue ignoring the state of the house and carry on with the very important work of my own business. Life is after all a process and there are always things that we need to figure out. 

Hmm that's my story. Do you want to hear it again.....

Back On Racism

So today on my human quest I was working as a Film And Television Extra for FATE on a French advert. It wasn't too bad we were all set up and The Grand West Beach Club essentially watching the sunrise and looking at dolphins. You don't get much more of a super chilled work ethic than that.

Anyway it was all dandy good chilled vibe nice people. Having the craic, you know how it is. Then we get pushed to shoot another scene and I get pushed into an imaginary family. I open my mouth and a Scottish accent comes out and my on-set husband instantly, like doesn't even miss a beat says "Yeah you've got a massive Muslim immigrant problem in problem and Muslim's are going to destroy Europe" I don't think it was even 8 o'clock. The worst thing is there is and 11 year old old kid standing next to me. I said "I think your referring to the refugee crisis?" He tells me "No there immigrants" Anyways it just goes backwards and forward like this for well over and hour. The up shot of the conversation is the guy opens admits to being racist has actually read the Koran. However only to prove his own dogmatic approach. He genuinely believes that Muslims should be eradicated. Then he accuses me of being a Liberal like it's a bad thing. "I respect somebody else's right to a difference of opinion, damn straight I'm a liberal"

This guy is jumping all over the place while I try to explain to him that Britain is a tolerant secular society, as is South Africa. During trying to explain what a refugee is (which he really doesn't understand) and what about the Tunisians? And what if Britain became Muslim?  He'd basically went on to profess that Africa was uncivilised and still is. I have to explain the concept that colonialism and enforced Christianity is a source of inter-generational trauma. Fact. Which he disputes. You can't dispute it it's FACT.

I'm not pissed off just completely bemused while this guy proudly spurts of being right wing. Then start harking on about the good old days of Aparthied, literally. At which point another extra stepped in and pulled me away for a coffee.

I wish this was an isolated incident of my time in South Africa. It isn't. What I'm really disappointed in was that I didn't really get all my arguments lined up well and actually that I didn't just call him straight out for hate speech or even call the police. I did openly stand up to him.

Fake Plastic

Last night I had a bit of an epiphany as I walk round the supermarket I realised than in less than fives years all the plastic would be gone. No joke and for than moment right then and there I believed it. Does that every happen to you where you just get this magical glimpse into the future and you see it loud and clear "that is it".

A few weeks ago I was watching Who Do You Think You Are. This episode was following Jeremy Clarkson who had ancestors the invented and made the Kilner Jar and historically became billionaires purely through the production of glass. Anyways apparently packaging is a very good business to be in. Apparently we will always need it. As a child I used to remember the joy of finding sea glass either broken down into beautiful transparent jewels of the sea or very occasionally an old glass bottle or segment of one. Now bottles like that are almost treasure in and of themselves. Glass is back in fashion. I also remember as a child that the river that I grew up on and most of it's tributaries were so polluted you wouldn't dare swim in them. Luckily in the late 80's and 90's there was a great drive to clean up our water sources. Now people often brag about the wild salmon in the river Kelvin that runs through the centre of Glasgow. Nature can recover if we make a commitment to change and make positive impact on our local environment. Beach clear ups and all the rest. Even now most people are at the very least aware of recycling. Now the big question is what are we going to replace plastic with who ever has got the solution is well on their way to boom town (and I don't mean the festival). I also have a funny feel that metal fabrication is going to explode too. I mean we are well on our way to banning plastic. Think of all those household appliances too. Why we might even end the designed obsoletion tragedy and in no time at all we will be mining those rubbish dumps for resources.

Recently I've been impressed locally by a few shops my way who are beginning to get on board with plastic reduction. There is a local health food store who will sell you loose grain if you bring in your own jars and bags. This year I have been collecting jars as a result of getting married and wanted jam jars for the table decorations. Before that though I have been making a conscious effort to reduce plastic. Eliminating plastic completely is a whole new challenge weirdly as far as I can tell it would mean not eating meet at all. Veg and grain you can get away with, meat as far as I can tell. It's always wrapped in plastic. Personally cutting meat from you diet and grocery list is a good thing. Two birds with one stone reducing plastic, carbon emission and the added bonus of saving the rain forests too.

The real challenge is that plastic doesn't biodegrade. Nor does detergent by the way. How do we get it out of our oceans? And what can we use it for that it would never end up there again?

Dream Journal

I've recently started keeping a dream journal. it's something that I have been meaning to do for ages and have only gotten round to in the last few months. So each morning if I can remember my dreams I write them down. It's becoming an interesting practice and I do hope that in the forth coming years that it will bring me deeper insights into my subconscious and help me find a way into the shamanic hinterland or what's going on up there in the star chakra arena.

I have always remembered my dreams from being a very little girl. I can recall dreams there themes and the point in my life in which I had them. They hold deep importance to me. Most importantly I often get answers in my dreams to other people questions. Here in South Africa you will often here people talking about praying on things. I wonder what that means, truly.  The thing is for me it's more likely that I dream on it.

My dreams are source of strength and quandary as I certainly seem to live in more than one world or even in other dimension. I believe that we can travel through dreams, not just into the minds relentless imagination but also into connections with other people. I believe it is possible to communicate with people living and dead through dreams. That we are also capable of connecting with deeper energies such as some might say Mother Ayuhasca or even the Earth itself. It's pretty intense stuff. Although I have been literally been a waking dreamer for decades in is only now that I have found the inclination to take my understanding of the dream world further.

Writing About Writing

Today started with me waking up unusually early with a spring in my step ready to hit the ground running, right up until I started scrolling Facebook on my phone. Might I be addicted to technology? It's certainly a possibility. I'm certainly aware that I have to approach my consumption of media with a certain air of caution. My intention currently is to write a blog post everyday. Yes I'm mad.

I have not idea what I would have written about before I started scrolling (not that that was why I was scrolling). The I watched a video of James O'Brien from LBC radio challenging a racist listener that was calling to express their views on Brexit. It's hardly surprising that someone with racist views phoned in to a show about Brexit. What actually amazing me is that anybody has racist views at all. It has always surprised me from a very young age that any British person might consider that somebody else doesn't belong here? It's crazy. How in school that we can be taught that Britain controlled two thirds of the world and yet how dare anybody come visit it. It's kind of bizarre especially when you engage with this shit from a place like Cape Town. Where the spoils of war (or lets be more clear here) the benefits of colonialism (for a select few) are clearly on display. It's fucking inconceivable to me that someone from Pakistan or India would be disparaged for coming to Britain.  I almost wish that every immigrant to the UK was issued with a pamphlet specific to their country that was entitled. This Is How The UK Fucked Up India.

We could have a whole series:
This Is How The UK Fucked Up Pakistan
This Is How The UK Fucked Up Palestine
This Is How The UK Fucked Up Ireland
This Is How The UK Fucked Up South Africa
This Is How The UK Fucked Up Australia
This Is How The UK Fucked Up Kenya
This Is How The UK Fucked Up New Zealand
This Is How The UK Fucked Up North America
This Is How The UK Fucked Up Syria
This Is How The UK Fucked Up Egypt
 and that's just for starters.

For the more advanced we might have another series:
This Is How The UK Is Still Fucking Up Afghanistan
This Is How The UK Is Still Fucking Up Iraq

Wouldn't it be a great if once again we could use immigrants to educate the British public. Imagine some racist being handed those pamphlets with an official issue of the British Government stamp. Better yet video tutorials from the Queen. The Queen going Facebook live on the wreckage of British history signing off with "terribly sorry would you like a cup of tea?"

Anyways the whole writing on writing thing. It's interesting to find the things that stir you up enough to spur you to create and then you wonder why this subject. Why not chartreuse knitwear for example? So what I write about often becomes a source of self examination. What would I have written about if I hadn't started scrolling? Fresh brain for the morning write seems the least that I deserve. Stop scrolling.

Maintaining Weight

About a week ago I saw a Meme that said "The pain of working out will never be more than the pain of being overweight." Now in my late thirties I have to say that I agree. What is about procrastination that just fucking kills you. If you could worry weight gain off it should probably be an Olympic sport of note. Unfortunately that's not possible unless of course you are ridden with nervous anxiety that will burn through fat in weeks.  It's kind of like considering a book. It won't write itself. Yet I have mulled away hours on both scenarios without much avail. The thing is though as much as I like to berate myself for not getting thinner. I have to love myself immensely for not getting uncontrollably fatter. I can still fit into the jogging pant I wore at 24 and I'm now 37. In the scheme of things I'm really not doing that badly despite being 5 kilos heavier than I'd prefer. You're probably laughing your ass of with that one. Yes 5 kilos. 5 kilos only. This time though with a deadline looming it's absolutely time.

Weight gain, I believe, is on one level, the price you pay for being happy. Then on another level it's the price you pay for getting comfortable. I'm reaching a new place in my life where I finally have to accept that for the last 6 years I have neglected my body. I'm not being hard on myself, it just happens to be true. It's taken me a long time to accept this after my move to South Africa. After five years I can actually say it's been a big adjustment. Not least to the new relationship, as much as the new continent. Before I turned 30 and got into my relationship. I can hold my head up high and gladly say that weight was something that I rarely worried about. I was comfortable with my weight. I ate what I wanted when I wanted and had a fairly active lifestyle for someone who didn't work. The anxiety of a new long distance relationship and the desire to stay in touch kept me indoors far to much and then I moved to Pretoria, where a natural outdoors environment is practically illegal. I also made the mistake of tricking myself into denial that post-thirty the weight piles on. That is bullshit. As Christine Northup will tell you. 

I've been in Cape Town for nearly three years and the outdoor environment is still a challenge. Getting outdoors as woman on your own is still a safety risk that needs to be handled with a certain amount of care that it is not possible to run off gallivanting out into the woods. 

So now in the last six months that I now approach situation critical shedding for the wedding. I realise that I've been lying to myself and that taking care of my body with exercise is as essential as nutrition to create a functional human complex. Mind, Body and Soul. Although I am not able to exercise fully in the way that I would prefer I have a responsibility to myself to take care of my body regardless. That the care of my body is as much part of my success in life as the treatment of the mind and soul. 

In life, pathways can diverge in a number of different ways for different reasons in time. Now I see that there are lessons in everything and although we can look like we have seriously gotten our act together the minor blemished in character, attitude or belief can send us careering of course in search of battle scars instead of just making minor adjustments. After years of recovery I finally feel like I am back on the up cycle where I used to be. I've learned so much along the way. It's time now to reclaim control of my life, as much as anybody can.

Colds

They just sneak up on you all of a sudden; never quite sure were they came from and wondering if there was anything you could have done to prevent them. back in the day when I had a cold I used to refuse to get out of bed. I would get all cuddled up in my favourite Snapples sweatshirt some long sleeved pyjamas, and extra pair of sock and I swear that snuffle would just disappear. I realise now that in my twenties I was pretty highly functioning for what I perceive now to be a kid. I'm not even sure how I did it. I hated being ill. So I can only assume that I loved myself enough to make the right choices and love myself back to full health. Besides who couldn't do with a full day in bed sleeping reading books and drinking tea.

In the last few day I haven't got anywhere near enough sleep and suspect that supper full moon has had a huge part to play in my waning sleep life. That's make me ponder at the deeper astrological implications for my emotional life. This morning I didn't fall asleep until eight o'clock in the morning despite have taken three natural sedatives and an ibuprofen. There was no dreaming eventually when I finally determined that my soar throat and coughing were down to a bought of the cold rather than the dust I'd inhaled from some end of year cleaning, it was all a little to late. Only then did I reach for the Snapples sweater and finally drift of to sleep for two hours.....

So here I am snuffling away drowning in tissues and self-prescribed water and some Med-lemon for the evening. I'm sure to survive until morning.

Working Shifts

They say that working shifts is part of what can hold you back in life. It is certainly one of the factors that hold up when we are accessing privilege. So right now I haven't had enough sleep and well I'm grumpy as fuck about it. That is all.

Wedding Overwhelm

They tell you to say yes to the dress. Unless of course you can't find the one you want. I've employed a dress maker and pinterest. In fact pinterest used to be fun and it has now become evil. I think that I have over 2000 wedding dress pins and have yet to find a the perfect dress. I have made an agreement with myself. Absolutely no more. The only problem is that I've pinned so many, that new images just keep on popping up in my pinterest feed. I refuse. Trying to find the perfect dress is making me feel physically sick. It's total overwhelm as I can't fully imagine what the dress might look like. 

I feel like I swimming in bridal gowns and that they are drowning me. At least I'm drowning in silk. I have a dressmaker and I trust her completely but it's hard to trust someone with a vision that you can't fully describe. It's time to let go to the creative process. I' narrowed my 2000 pins to just 19 pins. Here is hoping that it all works out right. That's less than 1 percent. How crazy is that?

Exploding Brain Thoughts

Well I'm sure I've written about this before and I'm certain that I will write about again. Sometimes my problem is that I have to many ideas. I'm sure this isn't a problem for many people and if this is the case for you be sure to phone me up. I used to be like a Jack Russel or  Greyhound chasing every thought in my head to completion. 

 This time it was a The Radical Burn festival based around Obs, that actually addressed the 12 guiding principals and was intended to create positive impact and evolve deeper consciousness in the real world, not out in some man made fantasy land in the dessert. It all cam when I finally encountered someone who shared my views on Afrikaburn. I thought I was the only one. "I'm a real green-girl" To paraphrase she cited that she didn't like Afrikaburns policy of burning everything and all the carbon emissions, not least that 5000 people drove fours hours there and back almost totally dependent on fossil fuels. It hardly embraced the idea of radical self-reliance. It's something I've been pondering for years and although I would love to go just for the sheer hell of it. It's hard to endorse such a strange organisation that is at such odds with itself. In fact it's whole existence is highly ironic. 

Anyway the The Radical Burn  would be based in Observatory, Cape Town and would use local venues to host radical conversation, talks, events and performances that would help to create positive change in the community.  It would took address challenging issues, like water consumption, plastic pollution, fossil fuel dependency and much much more. While looking to local business, residents and revelers to make radical pledges that impact the collective good. 

So that's my story....

However it turns out that these days it is not that I have mastered stilling my mind, I have mastered not responding to the thoughts that spin round my head. The truth of the matter is that although I may have a number of brilliant ideas popping up in my head on a regular basis I do not have the energy or inclination to complete or take on every one. Even though I may spend hours of my time running such ideas through to completion. 

In this past year though wonderful thing have happened. It is simply this; that although I may not take action on my thoughts I believe that my thoughts make up part of the collective human consciousness. That the fact that I think the thoughts at all means that somebody out there will eventually pluck them out of the ether, make them there on and act on them. It's happening with quite a consistent regularity. It's great when other people can tick of you to do list for humanity for you. Manifesting on an epic scale.

The trick is not to get bogged down in it. Though I do think it helps someone's future success if you plan it all out for them..I should really be sending patenting letters to myself at this point or at least indulging my ideas in an elaborate bullet journal. That is the next idea....bullet journal workshops. I'll be sure to insert the hyper link here to the event when it is ready......

Do I Really Give A Fuck What Anybody Else Thinks?

Do I really give a fuck what anybody else thinks? I used to believe that I really fucking didn't and then in recent months it has really become glaringly obvious that I absolutely do. I don't really care about what people think of me socially for the most part. However I realise that in terms of my personal writing I'm almost terrified to say how I really feel. It's because of how I grew up. That's hard thought when you are talking about nature versus nurture and you are on a personal development path. For years I have been very much unduly concerned with the fact that one of my posts might go viral and therefor be read by my family. Given that blogspot for all it's benefits is probably not the best blog platform I think I am finally over that imaginary issue. 

So the truth of the matter I care deeply what my family think, especially my writing. As someone who has tried to live there life as much as humanly possible with a care free attitude I now understand that this is one of my pendulum swings. Pendulum swings happen when we repress certain parts of our personality and push out others. So although I'm happy to be very expressive away from my family of origin and quite often in it. I'm very reluctant to commit my deep thoughts and feeling to the accessibility of word or the public realm. True Story. If there is anybody out there that has actually been keeping up with any of my sporadic blog post over the course of the last nine years, you may not agree with me. Though I assure you I find it very difficult to commit any deeply personal thoughts to the digital realm. Mainly because if my writing was picked up and commented on the way that my family have conversations with me there would be a whole ream of criticsims, holes in my argument, spelling mistakes and of course one-upmanship to absorb. To be honest it's fucking exhausting, hurtful and at many times of my life largely crippling. Recently though I've pretty much come to the conclusion they don't really care enough to read or peruse the kind of stuff that I post and I haven't invited them to like my business page, as you know what I don't really need their scathing judgement in my life. Just so you know I write this as a fully fledged adult 37 years old and as a qualified Master Life Coach. 

Which leads me to try and figure out what is it about toxic relationships and toxic families that even as Master Life Coach am I am failing to resolve when it isn't about allocating blame? How do we take responsibility for somebody else's behaviour when it damages us personally? Here now in this article I'm taking responsibility for my own responses. I'm no longer allowing how my family response to my views or achievements to impact on what I do or do not choose to produce. I'm letting that ship sail. My views are valid, my ideas are sound and what ever I think feel or say matter. Yup that's it I'm literally giving myself permission to not listen or take in there shit anymore. 

This is one of many many steps that I have taken over the course of the last ten years which live in the realm of self-parenting. Where we choose to take on the role of our own parents and parent ourselves. It's a way of counterbalancing the whole nature versus nurture argument. Instead of always looking to parents, siblings or families of origin for support; deciding that you are able to give that care to yourself. It's both far more simple and complicated than one might imagine. It's based on the concept of self-love. Now there is no doubt about it self-love can be challenging. Just this morning I went out and had a cigarette, when I wasn't supposed to be poisoning myself for today..... The truth is that giving yourself what you want and what you need is central to self-love. Even if it is a cigarette. The trick is to accept yourself fully as you go through the process. It's a matter of really embracing that what ever you need to do right now is absolutely what is best for you. That you higher wisdom or deeper instincts know what is best for you, even if it might seem counter intuitive. Self-medicating is a great demonstration of this. All of sudden I can hear a cry of what is self-medicating? It's a useful term that might describe substance dependence rather than addiction. It's like the drinking binge after the break up. Yes turning to alcohol may not be the best way to resolve or manage your feelings however it is something that can effectively protect us from them for a period of time. As having to feel those feeling fully in a time that we can't handle them may be more destructive than not facing up to them for a month or two. When we see people displaying this kind of behaviour during a difficult period of there life we don't have much judgement of that. It's only when it becomes a long term problem do we start to access it differently. So that's the route to self-parenting that we give ourselves permission to change the programme, to really consider what is best for us and start out on a new trajectory of self-acceptance and deep compassion. That's what I've been doing today.