Medium Fear

I've been consuming Medium over a number of years and it was only over the last few months that I decided that I might be brave enough to give it a go. Like many creative people. I have a whole host of swirling ideas that flow round my head. Which inspired the name of this blog that I have been keeping at random over the decade or so Spiralbound Notebooks. I've probably got tens of them hoarded away in 3D reality that has yet to be fully transposed into something fully tangible. I have dreams of wading through them someday, ticking off the ideas and ripping the pages out. Watching them decrease in volume as I have actualised my thought into reality. Of course, some ideas are far too cumbersome to ever get fully finished or even taken off the ground. What I like o think about those is that they have been uploaded into collective consciousness for somebody in want of an idea to download. Yup, that's what I do a lot of the time. Mainly now though I have to accept and do my best to accept my discipleship of writing it's only taken me 30 odd years to get here and I'm still not convinced. Consistently inconsistent is what I have often been told. Yet at the same time in content-driven media where consistency is key, it seems like another great way to tell the system to fuck off. After all, we are all unique divine creative beings all just searching for our right to exist and then beyond this thrive.

The thing is our emotions get in the way or should I say my emotions get in the way. I am terrified of being really seen that something might get attention and now after hovering under the radar for more than a decade I think I might be ready. 

The thing is it isn't an easy process being you. It isn't an easy process finding your voice or your purpose or even yourself. That so few of us understand that it is a process. That one article doesn't define us. One outfit does not capture our soul. One selfie may not have the power to ruin us. So much has changed in the realms of digital connecting over the last decade it's hard to look at life in review. When I first started this blog, blog spot used to post direct to Facebook in notes. Even today I think about the loss of the facility and how it may or may not have impacted my blogging 'career'. The thing is I'm a technophobe there are a whole host of reason and triggers points to explain why that is the case. That I am not going to explain here or now. They are quite simply just there and as delve into the mild terror of actually utilising medium in a constructive way I have to sit and consider my fear once again. I write enough that I should be generating money. I write well enough (according to Grammarly) that I'm consistently in the top 90% of all it' other users. Yet the story that runs in my head is that I don't have the knowledge the expertise and sometimes even the right to express my views. Especially as a white European woman living in South Africa. What has all that got to do with this global digital space, not a lot I suspect? And yet at the same time fear. Then once again the big ideas are out of control and I haven't managed all the other stuff that I was meant to. I'm going to that course tomorrow and I still haven't cleared out the computer and backed it up. I may just have figured out a plan to sort out my British bank account so that I can actually sign up here. Life seems to be taking me in a new direction adn it seems exciting and easy. Yet at the smae time I have to consider am I ever going to get there...