I thas definitely been a dramatic week but we'll not bother to mention anything about that, lets just skim. Thoughts thoughts thoughts, lots of them about all sorts of things. Just been watching Terry Pratchet on the tv, presenting his degenerate condition of Altzimers. I wonder how far we go before we stop being human. I don't find it heart breaking, not because I don't sympathise or better empathise, but life quite frankly is a raw deal. I just find it hard to cope with the spinning whurly gig of dirty knickers in my brain. Offload, Offload, Offload get it all out even when it has no where to go. Depression's a bit like that, futile. Not that I'm depressed. Where does it all go this life thing. Where are all those memories stored and why ultimately are they all lost. Maybe earth will become the junk planet as we try to store and control all that we have to loose. We were children once? Lots of questions in this blog.
How do we choose to live our lives? Do we get to choose or are we already predisposed to our nature? Can we control our natures? My nature or the things that drive me seem to be polar opposites running parallel at any given time, a desire for obscurity to be unknown and yet driven by an undying urgency and uncontrollable passion. Passion for what men, love, objects, beauty, achievement, not necessarily success, social justice, truth and self. Self does not exist it is a construct. Life on the sick is an interesting one I have gone from being a girl that held down two jobs at any one time and planned moving three months in advance to not having very much to consider at all. Routine, I think about that alot. What is routine? How do people sustain routines for years? What are relationships? How do you develop new meaningful ones? How do you avoid the old ones that hurt you? and how do people keep searching for something greener? I've recently got involved with a boy, well a man actually and I don't know how to take it anymore. Or maybe the strategy just changed, you sit on the side lines for as long as possible before you decide to wade in. You're big enough and ugly enough to know that relationships don't have the power to change your life. They have the power to alter it's course but they don't change you. People don't change. The responsibility lies with the souls trapped within our bodies, that we are suppose to be able to control with our brain.
So the questions are still the same after all these years, we're heading for a box, some of us are very fortunate to know where that box will be. Maybe that would remove some anxiety for me. So as I was saying relationships, relationships I find it interesting that both my ex-boyfriend and have returned to our wounds. Why is that. I also know that our relationship and it's emphasis in my life is an illusion. All the people that I spent the craziest moments with separate to him are still with me. Well that's what facebook tells me. Whether those memories can cross reference we don't know and I very much doubt. There are few people I can collectively talk over old times with. I don't think I'm going to phone up old school friends to mull over nights out a 'Rico's', they never were that great or even good. I didn't know what a good night out was until my twenties. My best nights out and days in general are those spent wondering out into the unknown, unmapped territory, though even that can get boring at times.
So how do the masses do it? How do they go to an arbitrary job day after day, year after year. What is you fulfillment? Do screeensavers of Caribbean beaches really offer us and outpost to the sublime? What probably is true is that my real life as oppose to these thoughts whirring round the inside my head are far more readable, have far more meaning.
Falmouth & Penryn Community Radio Station 'The Source', has been having quite a dramatic impact on the conversations of the population or just the people I know. It's been headed off mainly as far as I can tell by Matthew Rodgers and Russell Clark. It's been in the pipeline for a couple of years. I'd spent some time talking to Russell about incorporating into concept to do with the whole Falmouth Wharves thing; that I still have to do some work on, including writing a letter to Prince Charles la de da. I've signed up, I'd like to do a programme regarding local politics. I think it will probably ask far to many practical questions for it ever ot be a success. What is good about it, is that it adopts the name 'toche' from the Fanzine I had been interested in setting up. However, as a radio show it has far more scope, that is in terms of satisfying my own passions. When discussing my ideas I feel like some weird kind of creature that crawled out of the penryn mud actually having an interest in politics. Got some work to do, that has to meet some kind of deadline. Will I manage it? Already pretty much figured out what I should be able to do for the first show, and who will be on board. I'm off to my first training session on Saturday. I already have serious concerns about 'the source' achieving it's brief, as a community radio station already appearing to be a little to over run with students for my liking but that will prove itself in time.
Next on the list the Palestiina info night hasn't taken much to sort out. Mole has taken responsibility for publishing it. Hopefully we should get quite a few turning up and it will develop on it's own from there.
What else has happened? I need to create a filler blog for all the stuff I miss when I'm ill. I've sorted out the boat a bit even managed to do the washing up and put away the laundry. Still got loads of stuff to consider, like the whole routine business. At least I've done my blog today. Other than that got to sort out some writing for all my books, maybe get rid of and sort out all those spiral bound notebooks. Still need to write and achievement list for 2009.How scary is that, that I actually like to thin that way. Never mind actually sorting out the endless to do list that is so comprehensive that I haven't even got to the bottom of it yet. Then there's the money issue and even worse the work prospect. Isn't that weird. As I say offload, offload, offload. In some ways I'm really quite glad that I don't have any real close friends, this might be almost impossible to do with a witness. And boyfriends well - pah.
Got to take Ella to the park tomorrow........ got buy a spiral bound notebook tomorrow........
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