Do I really give a fuck what anybody else thinks? I used to believe that I really fucking didn't and then in recent months it has really become glaringly obvious that I absolutely do. I don't really care about what people think of me socially for the most part. However I realise that in terms of my personal writing I'm almost terrified to say how I really feel. It's because of how I grew up. That's hard thought when you are talking about nature versus nurture and you are on a personal development path. For years I have been very much unduly concerned with the fact that one of my posts might go viral and therefor be read by my family. Given that blogspot for all it's benefits is probably not the best blog platform I think I am finally over that imaginary issue.
So the truth of the matter I care deeply what my family think, especially my writing. As someone who has tried to live there life as much as humanly possible with a care free attitude I now understand that this is one of my pendulum swings. Pendulum swings happen when we repress certain parts of our personality and push out others. So although I'm happy to be very expressive away from my family of origin and quite often in it. I'm very reluctant to commit my deep thoughts and feeling to the accessibility of word or the public realm. True Story. If there is anybody out there that has actually been keeping up with any of my sporadic blog post over the course of the last nine years, you may not agree with me. Though I assure you I find it very difficult to commit any deeply personal thoughts to the digital realm. Mainly because if my writing was picked up and commented on the way that my family have conversations with me there would be a whole ream of criticsims, holes in my argument, spelling mistakes and of course one-upmanship to absorb. To be honest it's fucking exhausting, hurtful and at many times of my life largely crippling. Recently though I've pretty much come to the conclusion they don't really care enough to read or peruse the kind of stuff that I post and I haven't invited them to like my business page, as you know what I don't really need their scathing judgement in my life. Just so you know I write this as a fully fledged adult 37 years old and as a qualified Master Life Coach.
Which leads me to try and figure out what is it about toxic relationships and toxic families that even as Master Life Coach am I am failing to resolve when it isn't about allocating blame? How do we take responsibility for somebody else's behaviour when it damages us personally? Here now in this article I'm taking responsibility for my own responses. I'm no longer allowing how my family response to my views or achievements to impact on what I do or do not choose to produce. I'm letting that ship sail. My views are valid, my ideas are sound and what ever I think feel or say matter. Yup that's it I'm literally giving myself permission to not listen or take in there shit anymore.
This is one of many many steps that I have taken over the course of the last ten years which live in the realm of self-parenting. Where we choose to take on the role of our own parents and parent ourselves. It's a way of counterbalancing the whole nature versus nurture argument. Instead of always looking to parents, siblings or families of origin for support; deciding that you are able to give that care to yourself. It's both far more simple and complicated than one might imagine. It's based on the concept of self-love. Now there is no doubt about it self-love can be challenging. Just this morning I went out and had a cigarette, when I wasn't supposed to be poisoning myself for today..... The truth is that giving yourself what you want and what you need is central to self-love. Even if it is a cigarette. The trick is to accept yourself fully as you go through the process. It's a matter of really embracing that what ever you need to do right now is absolutely what is best for you. That you higher wisdom or deeper instincts know what is best for you, even if it might seem counter intuitive. Self-medicating is a great demonstration of this. All of sudden I can hear a cry of what is self-medicating? It's a useful term that might describe substance dependence rather than addiction. It's like the drinking binge after the break up. Yes turning to alcohol may not be the best way to resolve or manage your feelings however it is something that can effectively protect us from them for a period of time. As having to feel those feeling fully in a time that we can't handle them may be more destructive than not facing up to them for a month or two. When we see people displaying this kind of behaviour during a difficult period of there life we don't have much judgement of that. It's only when it becomes a long term problem do we start to access it differently. So that's the route to self-parenting that we give ourselves permission to change the programme, to really consider what is best for us and start out on a new trajectory of self-acceptance and deep compassion. That's what I've been doing today.
