The Great Departure

The slow extrapolation on myself from Penryn life was and act of endurance. There are a lot of things currently going in in my life that might cloud how I feel about this particular phase of my life. It's a crazy thing the massive decisions that we make and how there meaning can be altered years even decades on. 

the main thing is that even now I feel and know it was the best decision that I have ever made. it had a tremendous impact on my life and I wonder what decisions I could have made differently since I moved here. Not many. isn't it funny when you feel that you are on a singular trajectory. What I can say is the one thing that I feel that have almost mastered once moving to South Africa is the emotional space that I occupy. It's hard to know if that stability is the result of the relationship that I am in or as a result of getting older and having continually engaged in my own personal growth. though the last few month have been particularly challenging. 

That summer was permeated by a deep sense of anxiety and loss as I attempted to fit my life into a 25 kg bag so much was given away and lost and I now fully understand how much I invested. Maybe too much. At the time though I could see another way and we are not clear to see all the information that we have been given at any one time. It becomes clear much later. Now I see how much I have still to learn and understand where i may have gotten in the way of my own happiness. There is a hope sometimes that when we take great risks that we get great rewards. And maybe we do. Though it maybe premised on how much more anybody else might expect from us. Am I being cryptic? 

I sold almost all my stuff and what I didn't sell I gave away to start a new life. I got one. Maybe one day I'll be in the mood to write this all down and record all the changes. All the synchronicities and all the massive spiritual gifts. If I believed in God I might wonder if they can see into the future. I might wonder what the plan is and I might wonder where do I fit in. I have great hopes still even though I stand on the brink of being old. I wonder what change the universe is going to give me. If I keep writing I'm sure we will find out.